Totally Not Fake Horoscopes - 2012

PISCES

Well.  Let's face it, Pisceans, the stars aren't exactly in your favour, now are they.  Some of them are down-right rude (behind your back, natch, so bitchy).  But that said, I do like the look of your moon; a very healthy looking orb for 2012.

It was a tad on the peaky side in 2011, but this year it's certainly sending its 'one small step for man' vibes in your direction.  And, of course, when you've got the moon in your house there isn't much room for pessimism (or anything else, truth be told, makes the invisible elephant look like a foot stool).  So, cheer up for heaven's sake my fishy little friends: an entire satellite is on your side - what else do you want?

As for the sun, however, the outlook doesn't look so good, Pisces.  Now, don't get despondent; face it, the last thing you need in your house is plenty of sunshine - shows up all the dust for a start.  As I see it, you've got a sulky sort of sun in 2012; the sort of sun that says it'll come down the pub for a drink but doesn't turn up.  Says it just couldn't be fagged.

WEALTH

All I can say is: don't hold your breath in 2012 - it's a bloody stupid idea anyway.  Not saying that you'll end up bankrupt this year but, to be on the safe side, make sure you check out the 'reduced' section in the supermarket.

The only advice I can give for 2012 is: wicker furniture.  I just have a feeling about it.  Buy low, sell high.  It wears out quickly, creaks like mad, won't support a portly uncle but people will insist on buying it - all except for Pisceans.  The latter is a cosmological fact; meaning that only Pisceans should engage in the wicker trade. 

Whatever you do, Pisces, don't get into the confectioner's custard market; you'll only be asking for trouble.  Pisceans are the great astrological consumers of confectioner's custard (in doughnuts, mille feuille slices et cetera) and are, therefore, ill-advised to engage in any form of trade in the food-stuff.  You KNOW you'll eat your profits.  Hmmmm.  Am I wrong?  You know I'm not.

HEALTH

Well, I don't want to put the wind up you but...I'd stay inside the house from Jan to June in 2012 - always best to be on the safe side.  From June to December, things are looking less dangerous for you but I would invest in some steel capped boots.

On the 'internal' danger front: I don't like the look of your liver - decidedly peaky if you ask me.  Now, I know I'm not a doctor but the way you might well be pouring the old booze down your throat, you hardly need to be Christian Barnaard to advise abstinence.  Remember, I'm not blaming you for downing the old plonk like it was going out of fashion (see previous paragraph); all I'm saying is, stick to the Ginger Wine rather than the Gin.  The latter isn't half as strong and the Ginger will settle your stomach as you contemplate the ceiling/sky falling in.  Nah, it won't be that bad.  But I forsee a lot of toe-stubbing and paper-cuts.  Nasty.

GEMINI

Oh dear, oh dear Gemini - what WERE you doing last year to have the planets all lined up against you so?  Did you pinch a baby's dummy just to see it cry?  Put empty orange juice cartons in the fridge just to see someone else nearly fall over backwards trying to get the last dreggings out?  Well, I dunno what you did, but the stars tell me that it was all your own fault.  Shame on you, Gemini!

Luckily for you, however, it looks like Pluto is on your side.  Now, although it has been downgraded from a planet to a moon (or something), and it is not happy about it I can tell you, it still has some influence.

Now, Pluto's influence has always been in the wealth and talking dog department, so we'll move onto your wealth prospects for 2012 (cos your talking dog chances for the coming year are zero, sorry).

WEALTH

Well, well, well - someone's going to do marvellously in the bank account department this year: and I think it's YOU, Gemini!  However, I smell something fishy...somethhing on the criminal side!  Oh Gemini, what are you like!  What I suggest is this: when you walk past any old ladies: don't look at their handbags!  It'll be like catnip to you, Gemini.  You must avoid temptation at all costs!  Also, keep well away from small sub-Post Offices in case you feel the urge to whip out your weapon.  Come to think of it: just don't take your gun out with you in 2012 - it's not worth it.  What good's a fat bank balance when you're stuck in HMP Strangeways?  No good, that's what.  Just stick to the scratch cards and look for promising business opportunities.

HEALTH

I never took you for a marathon runner, Gemini.  Have you been hiding your light under a bushel?  You little devil, you!  I see you doing an enormous amount of running in 2012.  I don't think it's to do with your possible brush with the criminal world and possibly legging it from the polis; I think it's to do with Pluto again (your saviour this year!) - Pluto is the patron planet/moon of the calf muscle, as you know.  I do hope this extends to both your calf muscles or you'll be running in circles, Gemini, at a good four miles per hour!  No, you buy yourself a good pair of trainers and you won't look back (and don't look back either - that's the way to run into a lamp post!).  So, Gemini, as it says in the movies: 'Run, Forrest, run!'

LUCKY BISCUIT

Pink Wafer.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for the Gemini lowdown. I have already pulled a calf muscle, went dancing Ceroc without a warm up!! Sorry about last year, but at last I have learnt my lesson and all will be well from here on, honest ingan.

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