Sunday, 15 July 2012

Sleep Asparagus, plus 4 Joyce Grenfells go Amsterdam

Cor, hang on a minute - will have a bash a this a tad later cos the old wooden stairs are beckoning!  Damn you, Marquis de Monistrol!  Back this evers.

Back again!  Just had a decent little kip on the sofa - feel miles more like it.

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A few days back, I was out the back of the garden (behind the fence) having a bit of a sweep up - you know, old sweet wrappers, desgarded beer cans, broken glass, empty wallets, severed limbs etc - when I saw my sister coming down the path.  It was a surprise visit cos she'd been to some arts and crafts thingie where you learn to make felt.

I know, I know, I dunno why she is always wanting to make obscure stuff: probably so that she can make me a waistcoat out of it, bless her.

Anyhow, we're coming down the path together and in thru the gate and we just get to my wide open back door, when you can hear the loud sound of someone peeing from a height.  We stopped still and looked at each other.

Then, Man Friday's voice comes booming out: 'Dear oh lord,' he shouts, 'Anyone'd think I'd been sleep-eating asparagus.  Talk about stinky piss, ha ha!'  Me and my sister looked at each other again.

Then, Man Friday does his best Brian Blessed voice, and starts singing to the tune of 'Purple Rain' by Prince: 'Stinky piss...stinkee piss.  Stinky piss....stinkee piss, tell me how do you like this?' and then flushes the lavatory, does a huge Mwah, hah hah laugh and says out loud: 'I have defeated you with my opposingable thumbs'.  Me and my sister just stood there, in the doorway, and waited.

He finally comes out the loo and into the front room and sees the pair of us.  He goes a whiter shade of pale.  He says: 'I didn't know anyone was there.'

My sister says: 'Obviously not, but you also conflated a gerund with an adjective - a far greater misdemeanour.'

A quick note about my sister, Ro.  She is about 20 years older than me, and we have been brought up quite differently.  She is (don't faint now) posher than the Queen, quite fiersome (when she has to be) and quite the proper little personage - dontcha know.  She is a Civil Servant, has always been a Civil Servant and works in some part of the Treasury where they deal with overseas transactions as pertaining to UK tax law (or something similar).

Now, she works with 3 other ladies in the same sort of department who are all of similar age and have Joyce Grenfell voices and Joyce Grenfell dresses and shoes and handbags; the other difference is that they don't wear little white gloves...anymore.

Hang on, that's the doorbell - will publish this and finish it tomorrow.

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