Monday, 7 May 2012

Vtz locks himself in the bathroom

Sorry, such slack bloggage from me, am worst blogger in the universe.

Anyway, we've had a bit of excitement round these parts.  A bloke called Vtz (dunno how you spell it, but that's how it sounds!) lives down the other end of our Stalag.  All I really knew about him was that he was called Vtz and had huge eyebrows.  His wife, Mrza (don't ask me!) works part time in Tescos: she is a very nice, very circular woman who ends every conversation with: 'Yes, yes, very good.'  I.e. 'I think you gave me the wrong change,' and she says: 'Yes, yes, very good, goodbye. Next!'

So, about 10 days back, Man Friday comes in circa 10pm at nacht (having just taken Connie Brix for a drag around the estate) and he says: 'Vtz has locked himself in the bathroom - there's a right old to-do outside.'

Well, that was enough for me.  I go straight out and immediately meet up with Melvis who says: 'Cor, that dick Vtz has locked himself in the khazi.'  And we both head up to the other end of the flats.  On the way, the nice lady with the labradoodle comes running up to us and says: 'Oh, I just heard from the lady who lives above Mrza that Vtz has gotten locked in the loo.'  So, we've got conflicting versions of events.

However, when we get to his block there's a crowd outside (well, about 3 people plus dogs).  Mrs Labradoodle goes inside cos she knows the lady who lives above Vtz and Mrza.  So Melvis holds her dog and then he can't stop himself (you know Melvis) and he says: 'Can you hold onto Lally - I'm going up there to render assistance.'  Well, he never actually said 'render assistance', it was more along the lines of 'sort the **** out.'

So, there's me hanging onto Lally (who is probably at least as tall as my waist) and it's dark out (and I haven't got any night vision), so I let the dog drag me over to the grass and I sit down on the kerb and hang onto her for dear life - bloody Melvis.

Thank god Lally's mum comes back down and rescues me in no time.  She says: 'Oh, my friend Evie upstairs is having to let Mrza and Erik (her son) use her loo but, ' she whispered, 'only to do Number 1s.'  Which is understandable.

Apparently, for some reason unknown to Mrza and Erik (and everyone else), Vtz had indeed locked himself in the khazi and wouldn't come out or, more to the point, let anyone else in (which really is a bit rich).  Turned out he started screaming and hitting himself on the head, then ran in the loo, locked the door and started crying and hasn't stopped since.

Lally's mum said that Melvis was in their house now and arguing with Mrza about kicking her door in i.e. Melvis wanted to do it to save Vtz and Mrza was worried that the door would crash into Vtz and kill him(it is a really small bathroom).

So, it goes on for a full night and a full day and then (so it is written...)  Mrza calls Vtz's brother for advice.

This is when it gets a bit interesting...

Vtz's brother immediately gets on a aeroplane from (dun, dun, dun!!!) TRANSYLVANIA!!!!!!  (Turns out they are all Transylvanian - I didn't even know it was a 'real' place!)

So, now it's been two nights and one morning and a mini-cab turns up, a huge angy geezer gets out and rings on Mrza's bell and he's shouting and obvi it's the brother(!), so Man Friday comes running in and tells me the news.  Of course, we have to immediately go and do the recycling and turns out so do about 4 or 5 others including Mrs Labradoodle and the giant Lally.

We hear some shouting coming from the right storey, but it's all in Transylvanian (we presume), so it's all a bit hopeless and we all trickle off.

Later that night...the police turn up outside Vtz's and Mrza's!  And they bring out Vtz and his brother in handcuffs (this was all reported to me by Melvis - who doesn't half ham stuff up) and they're all shouting and screaming and they've obviously been in a severe punch-up with lots of blood and gore and such.  And they get whisked up the cop shop.

I didn't hear the full story till a few days later when Mrs Labradoodle heard it from Evie (upstairs from Mrza) when Mrza came round to give her a bottle of vodka to say thanks for being a good mate and letting her use the loo so much.

Turns out...Vtz's brother sent Vtz the seed money to open a fruit and veg stall.  Vtz (unbeknowst to anyone) spent all the money playing online roulette!!!!  Vtz's brother goes raving mad, comes over, kicks the khazi door in, kicks Vtz's head in(!), Mrza and Erik run up to Evie who calls the old Bill and they come and arrest 'em!

Will let you know when I hear more.

Make you laugh: Man Friday was watching some apocalyptic type film, where aliens blow up all famous landmarks (I don't know why either).  So, I'm sitting in the front room watching the elections and he shouts in: 'Here, Cal, where's the sixteenth chapel?'  So I say: 'The what?' and he says: 'You know, the pointy finger bloke on the ceiling.'  So, it comes to me (god knows from where!) and I say: 'Do you mean the Sistine chapel?' and MF says (reasonably enough): 'I don't know.   Don't you mean the sixteenth chapel? '  I go in the bedroom and (on the telly) the Vatican's taking a pounding, so I say: 'No, it's definately the Sistine chapel.'  And I go back in the front room.  Then he shouts to me: 'So where is it then?'  So I say: 'It's in the Vatican.'  And MF says: 'Oh.'  And two minutes later he shouts out: 'So where exactly is the Vatican?'


  1. Cor, thank goodness. Have been following Vtz's exploits (if locking oneself in a bog is an exploit) on Twitter with increasing interest. On your account, that is. It's not 'trending' worldwide yet, I don't think. It seems very lively round yours. I found a dead baby rabbit the other day. That's about as exciting as it gets round here. You get Latin and Transylvanian. I get Devon twang and chicken. Love the thing about the sixteenth chapel. I now have widescreen visions of aliens zapping Luton and Dunstable Leisure Centre and Carlisle bus station.

  2. Carlisle doesn't have a bus station.
    Unless the aliens zapped it about 40 years ago.