Me and Man Friday have been stuck in the flat for a few days cos Melvis's court-hearing is today!! He has been badgering MF like mad to be a 'character witness' in his defence! I mean, what could he say? 'Oh, I've known my neighbour Melvis Valentine for four years. During this time he punched the indian bloke (from the off-licence) calling him 'paki bastard'. He also threw a large bucket of pee and poo over the workers at the local council offices. Then he 'kidnapped' a council workman who had come to repair his door (cos it had been kicked in by the police). Mr Valentine constantly asks me for money/beer/fags; he pees in his bath and cos there is a leak under said bath, the pee eventually seeps thru my own ceiling; he makes loads of racket. All this said, however, he is quite jolly."
I ask you - how would that do any good.
Anyhow the court hearing is to determine whether the council are allowed to bung Melvis out on his ear for, well, basically driving them to distraction.
Therefore, MF bought in a week's worth of supplies and we have been keeping our heads down. As you might imagine, we've gotten a bit on the 'cabin fever' side of things.
Just now, we were discussing: 'what was the stupidest thing you did as a child?'.
I said: 'When I was 13, my mum sent me to buy a pint of milk. It was Sunday and the shop was miles off and it was raining a bit. So, I walked a few houses along the road and nicked a pint of milk off some poor buggers door step. I felt more and more guilty as the day went on and told my step-father what I had done. I begged him not to tell my mum and he totally promised as long as I never did it again. What total little George Washington tit, I was! Step-father immediately went and dobbed me into Mummy, she came charging downstairs, screamed and shouted and got in some really severe whacks with a salad spoon.'
MF said: 'When I was about 8 and my brother was about six, we used to have a bath together and we always took toys into the bath with us to muck about with. One time, I brought an empty plastic lemonade bottle in with me to pour over my brother. Then, for some unknown reason, I squeezed the air out of the bottle and held it over my penis. Of course, my willy started getting stuck in the bottle neck and being pulled down into the bottle. I jumped out of the bath with the bottle stuck on my willy and a bath towel covering the lot and got a sharp knife out of the kitchen drawer. My mum shouted out: 'What's going on?' and came in the kitchen, to see me stabbing my self in the meat and two veg with a vegetable knife. She rushed over, the towel fell off to reveal that I was, in fact, trying to stab a hole in the lemonade bottle to free the old dongler. Then my brother came in, wearing a bathrobe, my dad came in from the garden and a neighbour shouted out: 'Is everyone alright in there?'. My dad shouted back: 'Einstein's got his dick stuck in a bottle.''
I really, really wasn't expecting that story.