Thursday, 16 February 2012

Santeria Newsagents, Evil Kids and Smelly Bloke

Well...hard to know where to start.  Firstly, poor old Melvis has been given the old heave ho by the council and has to sling his hook by 13th March.  He says he's going to demand squatters' rights; I reckon I don't fancy his chances.  After all, if you throw a bucket of excrement over their offices they will never look kindly upon you again.

Santeria newsagent bloke is jumping up and down with joy over the news, and his Obiah man said: 'The spell worked.'  I didn't like to tell him that it was more the eviction notice that worked.

Next, I was standing in the queue at Morrisons and there was some poor old shambles of a stinky bloke ahead of me and this little old girl.  The little old girl turned to me and wrinkled up her nose.  She said something along the lines of: 'dear god, what a ponk.'  But I felt a bit (just a bit) sorry for old stinky and said: 'well, you and me can have a bath every week, but maybe he hasn't even got a bath.'  AND THEN, she looks all ME all funny and says, all pointy: 'Hmm.  I have a shower every day.'  So I said: 'Do you do manual work?'.  Then, talk about if looks were bullets, she says: 'How dare you!' and she stomps off to other check-out at the other end of the shop.  Cheeky cow.

And today, I notice a group of likely looking 7 or 8yr olds hanging around the first balcony of our block.  And I thought, eye eye; it appeared that they were 'up' to something - they kept giggling and bobbing up and down out of sight.

So there's me, sitting my the bus stop, getting my scarf out of sholley when 'Bing!' a little stone comes whizzing past my earhole and lands on the ground!  I look up and see about six little heads all bob down out of sight - the little sod pots!

So, I think, oh yeah?  Pick up another stone nearby (somewhat larger, admittedly) and chuck it back.  Then I hear one of them have the nerve to say: 'That lady chucked it, I'm telling my mum.'  Can you believe it?

Tell you mate, they wouldn't like it if I told MY mum: she's been dead 17 years and shouldn't think the experience has cheered her up any.  Kids!


  1. My office lighting is not bright, was squinting at the bulb trying to see how many watts but just blinded myself, decided to light a candle both for extra light and warmth, was then mesmerised by your latest blog and visualising the goings on when.. sniff.. what's that smell.. the candle was about to set fire to the bookshelf above! amazing how hot it gets just above a candle. Disaster diverted, all's well

    1. Candles! The fireman's bane! I blame them energy saving light bulbs; I spent nine quid on one that swore it was equivalent to 100 watts. What a load of cods; would have got more light off a mouse holding a glow worm!