Monday, 27 February 2012

Amaretto and the Bull Mastiff Woman

Last friday I just don't know what came over me and I drank the best part of a bottle of Amaretto and half a bottle of wine.  Well, I was feeling a bit sorry for meself (best person to be sorry for - not me personally but yerself - come on, who else will, really?).  Anyway, there I was, feeling sorry for meself, waiting around for editors to say: 'Dear oh christ, this book is total pants - please go away,' and then I could move on to pastures new and start writing really, really, really bad books (instead of just plain old bad ones!).  So, I drink all this booze, Man Friday goes to bed and when I finally heave meself off the sofa I suddenly realised just how drunk I was.  I got as far as the lavatory, managed to pull me pants down and sit on the seat...and that's when it all went tits up.

Who knew my lavatory bowl was really an adrift yacht on a stormy sea?  Not me.  I only bleeding fell overboard, pants round me ankles and then, then, spent a good ten minutes (it felt like it) trying to get back on board.  What a palaver.

So, talk about the Lost Weekend, why don't we.  I remember being a teenager, waking up a bit hung over, going to the greasy spoon, having a fry up and a cup of tea and feeling right as rain.  Now, it's a two day rehab exercise.

Anyhow, the saturday is lost to sleep; but the sunday has a few lucid hours so I went on facebook and saw a picture of my dear friend Allegra, standing next to her lovely friend and (what I thought was) a bull mastiff.  Here below is that picture:

Now, Allegra is on the right and her mate Anne is on the left.  Now, look to the far right of the picture, just next to Allegra's shoulder and please, please tell me you can see a Mastiff (or any dog at all will do).  Its nose is right next to Allegra's ear - see it?

Bet you bloody can't.  Cos Allegra Fbooked me back and said: 'What?  the chick next to me?'  and then (and this is where it all goes so wrong) Allegra's amigo (Anne Koch) Fbooked me back and says: 'That's me!  But don't worry, I love bull mastiffs.'

So, by this time I'm red as a beetroot and beginning to die naked on the floor from embarrasment.  I shout for Man Friday, I say: 'Tell me you can see the mastiff, for god's sake,' and he says: 'What mastiff?' and I'm pointing at the screen saying: 'Look, can't you see its nose and that's its ear, blah blah' and he's like: 'Ho!  Looks like the back of someone's head.  Ha ha, you just said some lady looked like a dog!'

Now, I've got a headache and I've died and I've been stripped of my English passport and I've probably been reported to the polis for sheer rudeness.  So, I Fbook poor Anne Koch and do some severe grovellations and it turns out that she's the blond lady in the photo and the 'mastiff' I saw was some random lady's hair who was standing behind Allegra.

But by this time, what with the lingering hang-over and headache and embarassment and the completely disproportionate imaginings of the whole sketch, I'm on the phone to Allegra.

She's like: 'Don't be such an ass, you're sooo English!'
I'm like: 'I'm so sorry, blether, blether, it's just like the time I saw Lou Ferrigno in the Cornish Puff.'
And she's like: 'Hey!  Where'd you get off calling people 'poufs'?  And Lou who?  What are you on about, Cal?'
I then have a heart attack and say: 'Not 'pouf', 'puff', Cornish butter puffs, you know, those cracker things.'

And she says: 'What?'
And I say: 'They're crackers, you have them with cheese.  Like Matzos.'
And, thank god, she says: 'Oh right, sorry, I'm with you now.  So who did you see in the Matzo?'

I'm never drinking again.  Or if I do, I will not contact anyone for at least 3 days to make sure it's all out of my system.

And, just in case: Lou Ferrigno was the bloke who was the Hulk in the tv series.

I'm going out now...I may be some time.


  1. ah the tangled web we weave. Actually I thought it was a dog smoking a cigar! yes I did have a drink two days ago but the less said soonest mended

  2. Hiya Carol. Your lavatory bowl disco reminds me of the old 'helicopter effect'(many moons ago) when I use to have a good old drink and I had to lie on the bed while the room spun round. Amazingly if I sat on the toilet - everything stopped. I bet Einstein never worked that one out!

    Pray may I ask what is your book about? I have a couple on the go myself.

  3. Amaretto & wine eh? Well no wonder you heaved over the side! Ahh but I can remember driving the porcelain bus a few times myself back in the day (oh yeah & the helicopter rides too! Hahaha!). Bumpy rides they were, although I don't recall ever finding myself bare arse up at the end of the journey! Poor girl. Now about that bull mastiff - darn if I can see it, but perhaps I'll go find a nice Amaretto to sip & be back later to see things more clearly ;- )

    I simply must find out about this "bad" book! Is there a section of this blog you could point me to that will explain it?