Sorry to have been slack on the blog front. Promise to devote Sundays to blogging and such like from now on (yeah, yeah, says everyone). No, really, honest. It's not all my fault, swear. Half the problem is bloody 'America's Next Top Model' (ANTM). It's this programme where they pick a load of tall, lovely looking young girls and they have to compete to win a modelling contract - I am completely hooked on it. It's like watching the comings and goings of another world. I've never seen anything like it.
Just imagine this world: your worth is determined by your looks (so that's me out, for a start!). And if that's not bad enough, you have to compete, week after week, to sort of prove your looks against about 16 other people. THEN you get judged every week on how beautiful and photogenic you are. THEN, one of you gets chucked off the competition!
It is so different from any world that I have ever lived in. I must admit, I don't really understand the whole thing - they all look lovely to me. What I think I really don't understand is why the girls get so upset all the time and keep crying (oh and why some of them are so mean!). I think I haven't watched enough 'ordinary' reality tv and have, somehow, thrown myself into the deep end! Anyway, at least the mean girl didn't win the competition. I thought she lost it because she was so mean; but meaness didn't come into it (see, it's nothing like our world); it all had to do with how you photographed. It is the strangest and most compelling tv, ever; it is rather like watching a David Attenborough documentary. I can't get enough of it!
Anyway: Melvis! Well...the council have given him his marching orders i.e. evicting him from his flat! Man Friday has been going up to his casa to read his letters to him, cos he's more of what you'd call a functional reader. Old Melv has got a solicitor on the case (he's the only person I know who's actually got his own solicitor) but it all looks a bit doomed cos the local Old Bill want rid of him as well. I've been a bit war-woundy recently so I haven't been out for over a week, just padding round the flat and bumping into things (if that was an Olympic sport...), so I haven't seen him myself but Man Friday is keeping me up to date.
Ah, the Bag of Nerves - that'd be me. Well, me poor old book is out with 5 publishers and 7 editors (3 from the same publisher) so I'm like a cat on hot bricks. Luckily my lovely agent was, quite obviously, a social worker in a former life and keeps me cheered up immensely. I've never been so nervous I can tell you. I have this feeling that all the other writers are in their hammocks, sipping on martinis and getting fanned by blokes with palm leaves. Oh, talking of martinis. I heard this joke, couldn't stop laughing!
Julius Caesar goes into a bar, he goes to the barman: 'I'll have a Martinus, please.'
The barman looks at him a bit funny and says: 'Don't you mean a Martini?'
Julius goes: 'If I wanted a double I'd have asked for it.'
Snot came out my nose!