Dear, oh dear. Turns out that plumbing is, in fact, rocket science. I had guessed as much.
Man Friday spent aeons rodding the drains and I have been plumber's mate:
'Turn the water on.'
'Aaaah, bloody hell, turn it off, turn it off.'
'Turning it off!'
'Oh my gawd, it's all down me trousers.'
'Sorry, turned it on again. Off now.'
'For crying out loud.'
'I'll have you know I don't have a Masters in plumbing, matey.'
'Well, that's bleeding obvious.'
'I'm only trying to help.'
'Well, that's a matter of sodding opinion.'
et cetera et cetera.
So now, the council plumbers are coming (again) to have a bash at the blockage via pipe-work in Melvis's garage.
Trouble is: it's Saturday now and they aren't coming till Tuesday; and all the sinks are totally up the shoot.
Last night, Man Friday had gone to bed early and me and the dog were watching Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Then suddenly, we heard this terrible gurgling and splashing sound coming from the bathroom. Me and dog looked at each other, like: 'You what?' And then we went into the bathroom and the bath had turned into a geyser!
Hot soapy water was spurting out the plug hole and making the most god awful noise like someone strangling Pavarotti. Must have been next door having a late night bath and - Lord knows how - their dirty water ends up coming up MY plug hole.
So, there's me, ladling out next door's bloody dirty bath water with a saucepan, and chucking it into the lavatory. The dog tried to help but all she could do was poke her nose towards the plug hole and then run away every time it went: 'gurgle, gurgle, bloop'. Still, it was nice to have the moral support.
After a couple of mins of chucking soapy water down the lavvy, it was, of course, filling up a bit. So, I flushed it.
What a bloody mistake!
Next thing you know the soap is getting more and more sudsy and sudsy and there's bubbles creeping over the edge of the lavvy bowl! It was like something out of John Carpenter except it wasn't on the telly it was in my bleeding bathroom.
So I'm scraping off the suds onto the bathmat with one hand and trying to saucepan out the bath with the other hand. Talk about: 'Fast Cake Machine'.
Luckily, next door didn't decide to have another bath.
Man Friday kipped through the entire adventure.
Where's Joseph Bazalgette when you need him!