Yes. Unbelievable. I haven't had a ruddy cold for ten years odd and last week, bof (as the French say, Lord knows why) I'm the world's repository of snot.
There isn't an orifice in my body that isn't leaking some sort of foul humour; green, yellow, see-thru - you've never seen the like (and you wouldn't, believe you me).
I've been coughing and choking and sneezing over the whole of Nag's Head; I've probably started one of them pandemics.
And absorbent materials? Shall we talk about them? All right then: tissues and toilet roll are absolutely futile in the face of my phlegm's velocity - comes shooting out my nose at 60mph. Terrible. The only thing that can temporarily contain it is Kitchen Roll: but even that has its limits.
Why don't we have linen handkerchiefs anymore? Yes, yes, everyone bangs on about how germy they are but they're the only thing that can save unsuspecting neighbours from...well, you can guess.
Hmmmm. It makes you feel like moving to Dubai. Except for the lack of off-licences the place would be perfect. You never see any Arab people whipping out a Vick's Sinus Nasal Spray.
Just realised that I have been moaning for the entire post: sorry. And sorry to all the men in the world cos women are always saying how THEY are the biggest moaners in re coldage. Well, last time I looked, I was a woman and I haven't shut up whining for over a week! I think it must depend on how much room you have in your sinuses to store all the phlegm; there must be a space the size of an apple inside my bleeding head.
Oh. Got another agent reading the full manuscript of Joe's Nan; some nice lady from California. So (as Geedswood says) all malleable joints crossed.
Promise next post more jolly.