Friday, 21 October 2011

Connie Brix goes Vet

The dog has been scratching her earhole like nobody's business.  We left it a week, trying to clean it out with salty water, but it got worse so Man Friday took her up the Vet's.

Turns out she has an ear infection - if it's not one thing with that dog, it's another.

The Vet gave Mrs Doggit a complete once over.

Man Friday asked the vet to have a look at her paws cos she keeps chewing on them and I've been worried (why, I'll never know) that she might have some splinters from the bark that covers my (former) garden (now dog track and sneaky chod section).

As per uzh, poor MF was covered in dog hair cos Connie moults like mad (I might loan her to some Hair-Loss clinic for experimentation purposes).

The Vet said:

'Ooh, dear.  What with the paw chewing, the constant moulting and (the second this year) ear infection, I'm thinking your dog might have an allergy.'

Allergy?  How do dogs get allergies? She doesn't just take a chomp out of her own chods but she'll have a gnaw on any other bloody dog's.  How does a animal like that get an allergy?

Anyhow.  The Vet asked MF to bring her back in 2 weeks for testing.  Hmmm.

Then MF decided to go for it, he said:

'Can I ask a personal question?'
'Er, yes.'
'Do, erm, well, you know, oh it's hard to say, well, do dogs, ahem, ahem, (whispers) masturbate?'

Man Friday was like a beetroot by now.  The Vet (who is a lady) said:
'No. Not really.  Not like us.  Oh, I don't mean you and me,' now she goes bright red, 'Oh, dear, I mean 'people' in general, obviously. Ha, ha. Oh dear.'

Man Friday is now beyond beetroot, more vermillion and all down his neck as well.  But the whole thing went from bad to worse.  The Vet, bless her heart, carried on:
'It's more like a tic, in dogs.  Mostly in male dogs.  Why, err, do you ask?'

And poor, poor Man Friday is dying by now, but still manages to say in a teeny, weeny voice:
'It's just that Connie is always....erm...well'
'Masturbating?'
'That's the word, sorry.  And I wondered if it was normal?  Sorry.'

And the Vet says (and this is the bit that finished the poor bloke off):
'Well, I noticed that Connie has particularly large labia and that's probably why she cleans herself so much.  I expect her urine is often caught in the folds.'

When MF got home he threw himself on the sofa and said:
'I feel like I've been in a dog porn movie.  Never, ever say 'folds' to me again.'

Took a good half hour for him to calm down enough to tell me what he was on about.

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