Sunday, 4 September 2011

Santeria Newsagents

Was going (quickly - well, quick for me) past the Santeria newsagents the other day.  And it had to be a serious day for them cos the Obiah man was standing outside talking to himself - in tongues.

To be fair, it might not be 'tongues' but I can't understand a word of it; and (whatever it is) he speaks it really fast, as  if addressing someone in the far distance - well, across the road at least.

He's a Trinidadian old geezer with a pork pie hat and the blue-est eyes you've ever seen.  He smokes one fag after the other so quick you'd think someone was coming to nick his fag stash and he had to get through 'em fast as poss.

Sometimes he does a little dance, flapping his arms like a chicken.

Well, as I was going past him, this dreadful ponk was in evidence and, as I was right by their rubbish bin, I was like: 'Oh my gawd, they've shoved a torso in the bin'.

So, brave as ever, I went straight past and came to a stop by the Greek bloke's house and had a rest.  Trouble was, I could still smell the ponk.  I knew it wasn't me: I had a bath last week.  The only other possibility was sholley.  You can tell I've watched too much George Romero cos my first thought was: 'they've transferred the torso into my sholley' - torso kinesis or some such.

So I opened sholley up - no torso, thank gawd - but some digging arounnd the old detritus in the bottom revealed a decaying banana skin.  Now, look at the facts:

1. I eat bananas
2. I never throw rubbish on the street

- looks cut and dried so far, but:

3. I have never left any form of fruit or fruit peelings in sholley

therefore:

the Santeria newsagent lot are sending me a message.  About what, I dunno.  But I'm deffo walking on the other side of the road from now on.  Well creepy.

Greek bloke (sorry, Greek bloke, but I don't know your name) says that the heavily made-up woman who sits silently by the counter is 'in league'.  And, if you ask me, huge red candles are just not right in retail outlets.

There's something going on there...will let you know.  Am off to make a crucifix out of lolly sticks...am so not joking.

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