Monday, 26 September 2011

Melvis and the Polis #2


Turns out that the police bashed in Melvis's door and stormed his casa cos they had a tip off that he was 'holding onto some gear' for 'some geezer'.

Of course, the search was fruitless as, Melv said: 'Amazing.  The only crime on the books I've never touched.  Typical.'

And the reason his dog was engaged in such major barkage is cos they kicked in the door, his dog (Aldo) came tearing down the corridor and they gassed him! (I think is some pepper spray thing).

Apparently, poor Aldo spent the next hour running round the flat and bumping into furniture, which set him off barking again.

I'm not sure if this is exactly ironic, but suffice to say that Aldo doesn't have a tooth in his head.  Yes, he has a giant pair of ding dong bells but, as I say, no teeth.

Aldo is, literally, all bark and no bite.

Melvis told me the news and went off, searching out the impossibly skinny man from the Santeria newsagents as he has a 'feeling in his water' that he was behind the tip-off to the Old Bill.

To be honest if anyone rings the Old Bill and gives the name Melvis di Gioia for even so much as a stolen flowerpot, it can be quite certain that they will suspect him of the crime.  That is one of the big problems with crime: you keep getting the police round your gaff.  Melvis said he was sitting on his sofa watching the news when they busted in the door and spilled all hot tea down his front + all the mess and the dog problem.  Crime is so not worth it.

Quick one.  Miss Gladiola knocked on back gate yester and came in for coffee and custard creams.  She's been back from hospedale (cos of her veins) for over a week but she has only just started walking further than her own block.

She is bandaged from hip to ankle and cannot sit down unless she has her feet up and when she stands: 'I have to go foot to foot like I need a tinkle.  Very embarassing.  So I tell every person about my veins and this stops the misunderstanding.'

Her gait is a bit wide, what with all the thick bandages and that has affected her balance somewhat, so she has to hold her arms a little ahead of her to: 'maintain equilibrium.'

She said herself: 'I am walking like Boris Karloff.  If he was black.  And a lady.'  And I said no, no, not at all and that she had much better hair.  And she said I was little and wicked but she did laugh and then Frankenstein's monstered it back down the path.  Bless.

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