Forgot to tell you about the doorbell incident the other week. It was a Saturday (dunno which one) and some bugger rang our main front door to the flats - I ignored it. Then you could hear some beggar ringing all the flats in the block, in turn.
Now, this always tells you something: either some pushy div is trying to sell you cheap gas or it's the religious types. Therefore, the rules state: never, ever answer the door.
Anyhow, some numpty let 'em in and next thing you know, they're in the compound. You can hear them milling around in the front hall and doing bible stuff.
Then - get this - they start ringing my inner front door bell. They rang it about four times. I tried to ignore it, but we have all only got so much rope.
I finally put on some clothings (don't want to scare any passing horses, obvi) and my shoes. MF just laid there with pillow on head and mumbled something about losing the will to live.
I stomped on out to my front door, but the whole putting on clothes and waking up business took me so long that by the time I opened the front door, they seemed to have gone.
So, totally vexed by now, I vented my rage on my own doorbell and ripped it off the wall. I then shouted: 'Christians! Look what you've made me do!' up the stairwell. But there was no answer; it probably took them back to the days of the Roman Republic.
I know I'm an idiot and I'm now an idiot with a broken door bell.
A Jewish mate of mine once told me to tell them that I was a Jew and that would frighten them off. I only tried it once - they blamed me, personally, for killing Jesus.
Am thinking about writing a huge S P Q R on my front door. Worth a try. Well, it's either that or lions.
I know Jesus said to spread the word but I quite sure he never said go round knocking on everyone's door.
I'd fight for anyone's rights to practise their religion but with the stipulation that they do it by post.